My days are filled with house work, gardening, child care, cooking, trying to exercise, and oh, finding time to study for the NCLEX exam. I am in a waiting game that will soon be over of checking my email every few hours to see if I have my authorization to take my boards exam yet. It’s a little like a twilight zone of no longer feeling like a student, and not really being a nurse yet either. Also, being automatically dumped from employment pools because I am lacking my RN license as of now.
The holding pattern of not having work, and not being able to test, and receiving a constant stream of rejection has raised in my soul a level of self-doubt and sadness. I have been praying lately for peace, for composure, and trust that all is in Gods plan. I wonder, am I good enough? Did I take the right path? I can get ahead of myself pretty easily, and run into figurative walls I didn’t know were in front of me. It hurts. Rejection and waiting… sucks.
Today, in the simplest of ways, my prayers were answered. It didn’t come in the form of a job offer, or even my OK to test. It came to me as I sat in the lobby of the YMCA waiting for Little Man to finish preschool graduation practice. Sitting across from me was a man not much older than my father having a pleasant conversation with an elderly man about how me turned around his health with regular exercise at the Y and improvements to his diet. I took out my smart phone to open my NCLEX exam prep application, and then was addressed by the elderly man. “Are you with this man?” “No,” I said, “I am waiting for my son.” Then the older man said his good byes and got up to go about his day. From there, I became engaged in conversation with the other man, and he began to ask me about myself. I found myself telling him about my journey from being a Geology student to Medical Lab. (he started his career as a Geologist), and about my eventual calling to nursing and midwifery. He told me about his daughters, and his journey from full-time military duty to teaching high school, and how he also found himself a college student supporting a family at one time also. I told him about my wonderful husband, my great kids, and he smiled and listened. I am not sure why I gave him a brief overview of my life story, but it all seemed necessary. He asked me what sparked my love of science in the first place, and I took him all the way back to my high school Science Olympiad team. I told him how much I loved it, and how it influenced me. He smiled bigger and asked me where I went to school. I told him, and he said, “No way!” and asked me when I graduated. “I was there from 95-99,” I said.
“What was your maiden name,” he asked. I told him and his eyes sparkled. Sitting across from me was my earth science high school coach. “I remember you, Jenny. I remember you with a bright light, and I know that you are going to do great things. I am so proud of you. Anyone who is so good at chemistry and statistics and geology is pretty damn smart. You are going to be OK.” I smiled and thanked him. We said goodbye, and he went about his day. What a blessing of affirmation. Just when I was succumbing to negativity. Just when I was filling myself with negative self-talk and self-doubt, I was blessed with a reassurance that all will be well. I am humbled, and amazed. A miracle happens everyday if you are open to seeing and accepting it.