As I have grown and become an adult I have come to understand that very few things in life are black and white. In fact the truth, when brought out to daylight, is always surrounded by some amount of shadow. There are few joys in life that come without some amount of sadness or complication, gain without loss; there is some happiness in even our darkest days. Our existence, our lives, are lived in the gray.
I’ve come to appreciate this play of dark and light in my life. I know that every major event in my life with have some happiness and loss no matter how one-sided it may appear, and I’ve come to look for both. I find comfort in knowing there is joy in my life everyday, even when I feel it might be impossible. As it says in a Mama’s and Papa’s song “the darkest hour is just before dawn.”
A perfect example of this idea can be seen in the arrival of my firstborn. Everyone says the births of their children are counted high on the list of the happiest days of their lives. Now that I am a mother myself, I agree. Meeting my daughter for the first time was one of my most memorable and meaningful days. She was perfect, beautiful, the way that every newborn is to their own parents. Her soft dark hair, her perfect tiny lips, and those impossible dark warm eyes gazing back at me. The moment I heard her first cry, and then when I looked into those eyes for the first time will be imprinted on my heart forever. However they are forever linked with the terror of premature labor and delivery, seeing her be taken from me, and being discharged without her. Those moments also, are forever burned into my memory, and every time I recall it, I tear up both with joy and sadness.
I have chosen for myself and my family a difficult path. Entering a full time and highly competitive BSN nursing program is more than a full plate for our little family. It is actually the first step in a bigger plan. It will be filled with many highs and lows. I have spoken to other women who took on a significant and time-consuming commitment when their children were small. One thing I have heard from all of them is that they were so busy and stressed, that they have very little memory of what went on. This is one of the primary reasons I am starting this blog, to remember. I want to remember the good times, and the bad times. I want to remember the good that came with the bad, and the loss that came with the gain. I find regularity and comfort in writing, so I decided to share my journey with any who wish to join me. Perhaps you are also making a big change in your life. It’s time to jump in and enjoy the play of light along the way.